IFS Internal Family Systems BEGINNERS GUIDE! Week 3/5 | The Healing Process Befriending our Protectors

Week 3 | The Healing Process - Meeting our Protectors

 

Welcome to Week 3!

In this weeks exploration we are going to begin the inward journey and practice of getting to know our inner system.

 

A friendly reminder this blog is to be used as a beginners introduction to parts work.  You may have experience working with your parts already, in such case take only what can be of service.

I trust you have available an inner resource capable of supporting you through this exploration.

I also can relate to the experience of certain memories, experiences and emotions being difficult, and overwhelming to navigate on our own.

If ever there is a time the emotions feel too much, I encourage you to listen to your body, take a step back and return to the exploration when you feel more resourced.  I highly recommend having access to a trained professional anytime you choose to embark on inner parts work.

A list of IFS practitioners can be found here:

https://ifs-institute.com/practitioners

I am also open to work with aligned clients. You can find a link to work with me here. 

Depending on your location/country there may also be available a free phone/chat line mental health resources accessible to anyone in need.  You can find a link to local Canada, Alberta, & BC Mental Health Support here.

 

 

Lets Begin!

 

The Healing process in IFS (Internal Family Systems) is a framework used to help clients begin to be in relationship to the ways their unique parts have learned to function, to better support their parts in coming into balance, and move towards healing underlying emotional or psychological distress. With curiosity, compassion, and a growing understanding the hope is for a new way of internal relating and natural being to awaken.  Parts with the support of Self Energy begin to reorientate into their relaxed roles, and together an experience of inner balance, harmony and Self Leadership emerge.

 

The IFS Model can be best understood through it's 2 main processes.

1. Meeting and Understanding our Protective Parts

2. Helping Unburden our Exiles

 

The IFS model in practice is much more intuitive than it is rigid.  While it may begin as a formal mindfulness practice, eventually becomes a part of how we move through our days and life.

How we use the model, and move through the process is largely a result of staying attuned to the needs of your unique system rather than a step by step guide.

In saying that there are several helpful guideposts to return to for when we get stuck.

The 6 F's of Meeting our Protectors are one of those tools, that can offer an easy to reference set of markers in effectively navigating our inner world of Parts.

 

In this week's Blog Post we will spend some time Exploring the first Process. 

 

1. Meeting & Working with Protector Parts

This process is one of practicing UNBLENDING from our parts, so we can begin to be in relationship to our experience, rather than being consumed and controlled by it.

When our parts are strongly motivated, have strong agenda's, or fears they take over our entire conscious awareness. We believe we ARE our parts.

We may experience impulsive reactions when our partner asks if we can tidy up our mess. An angry part lashes out with a rude comment, flooding our system and taking over our behaviour. This is the experience of a BURDENED PART taking over and becoming BLENDED with our Self.

 

The process of compassionate curiosity offers us a path towards deep self understanding both on a conscious and subconscious level.

This process will help us learn to speak FOR our parts, rather than FROM our parts.

 

6 F's of Meeting our Protectors Overview

Stage 1 - Becoming Aware of a Part

1. Find 

2. Focus

3. Flesh Out

Stage 2 - Check for SELF to Part Connection

4. Feel Towards

Stage 3 - Deepen our understanding of the Part & it's concerns

5. Befriend
6. Understand their Fear 

Offer as Hope Merchant

 

 

Beginning the Exploration

 

Before we begin any Inner parts work it is helpful to create an environment supportive to the needs of our system.

A few Invitations;

Setting: A calm, and quiet environment allows activated parts to relax and feel safe to begin the inner work.

Grounding Support: A warm blanket, a pillow, a cup of tea.

Journal: Some parts enjoy having a Journal accessible to reflect new insights and trailheads.

Dedicated Time: Setting a time container, may help other parts relax knowing this is designed and intentional time to work with your inner world.

 

You can also ask your parts;

What do you need from me to make it a safe space/container to be together?

 

 

Stage 1 - Becoming Aware of a Part

In stage one the main focus is bringing our attention towards a particular experience or part that is asking for our attention.

Through slowing down, and feeling seen, the part begins to express itself more fully.

 

1. Find 

During the initial exploration we are beginning to bring curiosity to our experience and noticing the ways our mind, and body are moving through the world.

Mindfulness is the practice of non judgementally holding curiosity towards certain thoughts, emotions, or behaviours in our day to day life.

Parts come alive in us in many different ways. They are always operating within us, whether above our conscious awareness or below. The question becomes, are we willing to slow down to notice them.

Parts can communicate to us through different mediums. A few common ways parts get our attention include:
Thoughts, 

Emotions, Feelings

Energies, or Sensations, Pains, or Tensions

Impulses, Reactions 

Behaviours, Habit Patterns

 

Exteroception is our 5 physical senses that allow us to take in information from the outside world.

Interoception is our ability to shift our awareness to become attuned to the sensations of our inner world. This includes our ability to sense hunger, the need for rest, internal stress signals and our bodies overall homeostasis.

 

 

2 ways we come in contact with our parts:

 

We can ask,

What is asking for my attention in this moment?

It may not become apparent right away. The invitation is to slow down enough for the communication of your body to speak to you.

It may be a tension in your shoulder, an aching in your forehead.

You may connect to a part as a racing mind not allowing you to calm down and breathe deeply.

Parts may try to make themselves known through stuck feelings, a sensation of dis ease or uncertainty in the gut.

 

An alternative method of connecting to a part is through revisiting a recent experience:

What was a recent experience where I got pulled into an unnatural state, or I acted out in reactivity?

The impulse that pulled us into this behaviour, becomes our part of curiosity.

 

Multiple Parts

There may be more than one part that is vying for your attention.  This is common as we slow down and attune to our system, our parts get excited someone is here to listen.

It can be helpful to jot down a list of any parts that are making themselves known.  If you can commit to it, letting them know with time, we will get to them.

 

Exercise: Find and Identify a Target Part

See if you can find a part that is most noticeable in your present moment.

Once discovered, you can label this as your TARGET PART.  We will dedicate today's practice towards bringing more curiosity and understanding towards it.

 

 

2. Focus

Now that our Target Part has made itself apparent.

We are going to shift our awareness, attention, and focus towards connecting to how we are experiencing this part in our body.

   

Sometimes parts make themselves known through thoughts as in certain inner narratives, concerns, and worries.

Other times parts make themselves known as aches, or imbalances in our physiological body.

Parts may also show up as impulsive or reactive triggers, and behaviours that feel unnatural for us.

Anytime we feel an experience that is unnatural to us, there is likely a Protective PART that is playing some influence on it.

Where is this part/sensation arising in our mind/body?

 

Exercise: Focusing on our Target Part in the body

Locate, describe and journal where your Target part is taking shape in or around your body.

 

3. Flesh Out

 Now that we have found and focused on where the part is located in our body;

 

In this step, we are going to really allow this part to express itself in it's fullest form.

Parts can exist within different levels of our conscious and subconscious.  Some parts may communicate cognitively others more energetically.  I have found this stage powerfully insightful in slowing down to meet the parts of us that live in our subconscious and often only speak through the language of right brain imagery. 

Parts may take shape as:

Imagery

Shape, Forms 

Shifts and Movements

Colour

Textures

Smell 

 

Exercise: Allowing the Part to take Shape

Journal, draw and describe what is coming into shape and form as you give your full attention to this part.

If you feel inclined to bring more creativity, you can paint, colour, or use other expressive ways to better get in contact with this part of you.

Notice any subtleties, as you allow space for this Part to come into form.  

 

 

Stage 2 - Check for SELF to Part Connection

Stage two is a very important stage of the exploration.

In this stage we determine whether there is enough safety in the system to further get to know our Target Part.

 

4. Feel Towards

 

Meeting SELF Energy

This is the first time I am going to talk about the experience of SELF Energy.

 

Mindfulness based practices recognize at all times along side our human experiences, we have access to non judgemental awareness.

For centuries Buddhism, and other meditative traditions have leveraged this self reflective state to aid in deeper self understanding.

What IFS builds on is that this energy of awareness, also carries with it other positive qualities that allow it to act as an inner healing agent towards more balance and self leadership.

 

The Core Qualities that Dick Recognized in Self Energy he's called the 8 C's of SELF:

Connectedness

Calm

Clarity

Curiosity

Compassion

Courage

Creativity

Confidence

 

With further exploration, I've found resonance with;

Consciousness

Choice

Capacity

These qualities can be used as indicators of whether we are grounded in Self Energy, or taken over by a Protective Part.

One way to connect to the felt sense of Self Energy is noticing how you feel in relaxed settings, around those people closest with you, walking in nature, or hanging out with your pets.

 

 

The process of getting to know our Parts is most effective when met from a place of SELF Energy.

SELF Energy acts as the non judgemental space that can be receptive, open, and curious to our parts experience.

Our common experience is that our parts are so busy fighting over who should get the attention.  Everyone is talking at once, and when everyone is talking no one is listening.  This inner busyness of mind is what our modern world has considered as normal.

 

Checking in for SELF ENERGY

We can ask a simple question to determine whether this is enough safety in the system to further deepen our relationship to this Target Part.

One way we can effectively do this; is through asking the question:

 

How are you Feeling towards this part?

 

Is your perspective towards the target part judgmental, opinionated, angry, critical?

or

Curious, open, caring?

The answer to this question reveals whether there is enough Self Energy to continue with the other two F’s.

 

Exercise: Self Energy Check In

Journal and describe what qualities of Self Energy are present within you at this moment?

Add any additional qualities that you feel when connected to this state.  E.g. Warmth, Presence, Stillness of mind

 

Meeting Inner Polarizations

We have talked about how Parts orientate into different roles and responsibilities to help us towards our goals and keep us safe.

Because Parts have often learned to operate within their own silos, with their own priorities and strategies. Parts get in conflict with each other on how best to support getting our core needs met.

In IFS this is called an Inner Polarization. Two parts fighting for control of the control board.

It is common when we allocate our attention to one Target part, we are creating space for this part to take up more space.

This can be alarming for other parts in contrast or that carry different perspectives.  Other parts may feel they deserve the attention, and will step in with judgements, and opinions blocking our ability to stay genuinely curiously, mindfully present to our target part.

 

When there is polarized Part blocking Self Energy.

If there is not enough Self Energy, we are in the presence of a BLENDED PART, and we have two options

1.  We kindly ask the part to step back. If it does, we ask again “How do you feel towards the target part now that the part has stepped back?”

 2. In the case where the polarized part does not feel safe enough to step back, we respect it's concerns. The protective system is always in charge. We simply make this part the NEW TARGET and we start from the first 3 F’s with this new part.

Only move forward if you have NO AGENDA other than open hearted curiosity.

 

 

 

Stage 3 - Deepen our understanding of the Part & it's concerns

Once we have established that there is enough Self Energy available, we facilitate the creation of a relationship between Self and Target Part.

We want to create a two-way relationship between Self and Part. We have done a check in on available Self Energy and now we can attune to our body/system to see if there is receptivity from the part to engage in communication. 

If there is resistance from our target part to engaging, it simply means there is the presence of another polarized part that is bringing judgement and blocking intrinsic trust, and safety.

In this case simply return to Meeting Polarized Part.

Once a relationship of open curiosity has been established, we can begin the process of asking the part about it's job, it's role, and how it is trying to help the system.

 

IFS is an asking model. In active listening to our parts honest intentions from a place of non judgemental awareness, the system has a way of rebalancing and re orientating itself in the most effective way.

This is the power of Self Leadership.

 

 

5. Befriend

In this stage we are building a relationship with the part, through genuinely getting interested about it, and it's experience.

Befriending is just as it sounds; the building of a relationship between non judgemental Self Energy and one of our Protective Parts through curious and compassionate open ended questioning.

A powerful form of connecting involves asking open ended questions from a place of genuine curiosity.  These questions typically begin with the phrase What?  

This leaves space for parts to gain clarity for themselves in formulating their response.

 

Now that we have found the part in the body, given it space to form and express itself, and determined we are connecting to it from a place of SELF. We can begin asking the part about it's experience.

 

Relational Questions we can ask our Target Part:

 

What would you prefer to be called?

What do you do for me?

What is your role/job in helping me?

What do you achieve by doing your job?

What is your desire for me?

 

If this is your first time connecting with Internal Parts, it may seem unusual and foreign to interact in this way to your inner world.  I encourage you to stay with it, Parts once recognized and acknowledge it is safe, will be eager to connect.  They have been longing to be heard and share their stories.

 
Additional curiosity questions:

When do you feel the need to step in?

Where and when did you get your job?

How old are you? How old do you think I am?

 

 

6. Understand their Fear 

The final stage in befriending our Protective Parts is in deepening our understanding of their core concerns or fears.

 

What are you afraid will happen if you don't do your job?

What is your concern for me?

What's at risk for you, in slowing down?

 

Connecting one layer deeper:

What else do you want us to know about you?

Is there anything else you’d like to share about your experience?

 

 

Confirming Understanding & Appreciation 

It's always helpful to reflect back to the part what you have learned about the part and it's concerns. This builds relational trust and helps the part feel fully understood.

Does the part feel understood by you? 

 

Check in and see if there is honest access to a felt sense of appreciation.  Can you find appreciation for the part, the problem it is trying to solve, and what it feels is at stake?

Does the part feel appreciated by you? 

 

I invite you to take a few moments to extend and share any appreciation you have for this new understanding of the part and it's role within the system.  Thanking it for letting you get to know it better.

 

It is amazing the impact on our internal world as parts begin to develop a trusting relationship with SELF.

 

Exercise: Befriending A Target Part

Spend 15 min Exploring your chosen Target part. Journal and take notes on what you learn about this part of you following the example questions provided above.

What is a new learning you discovered in relating to this part from a place of non judgemental curiosity?

 

What we notice is our Protective parts often get pulled out of their natural and balanced roles, into extreme jobs out of fears and concerns of re experiencing an uncomfortable emotion, feeling or pain.

As we explore and learn about our protective parts experience, and roles we find they often have been pulled into one of two either Manager or Firefighter responsibilities in efforts to keep at bay a younger Exile holding feelings our system deems too unbearable to feel.

 

 

Offer as Hope Merchant

The Final Stage of the 6 F's is proposing a new possibility to the Protector if it would be willing to try out a new approach, and share some of the burdened responsibilities it has been carrying.

It's important to note, we aren't asking the Protective part to leave the system only consider if it would enjoy trying out a new way (perhaps less demanding of it) with the help of SELF Energy, and the rest of the inner system.

As a hope merchant you are standing in as a beacon of light, a lighthouse, a lantern of hope helping guide yourself out of the storm. You are seeing in yourself the source of light that the young protector is currently unable to see.

In this stage we are gaining permission to visit a younger Exile that is holding the wounds of our past, with the trust that in doing so, there is potential to heal, update, and move towards a more harmonious inner space.

 

That takes us to the end of the 6 F's of Meeting Protectors, and the first half of the IFS Process.  Nice Work!!

I invite you to take a moment to send gratitude, warmth and compassion for all of your parts that made themselves available today.

You may notice a felt experience of more spaciousness and ease within your inner system.

 

If you found yourself hung up on any of these steps, don't worry it's a common experience in initially getting acquainted with our inner system of parts.  Everything is happening internally so it can feel difficult to differentiate from.  We also begin to notice our self protective ego, is a master at deflection in keeping itself hidden.  Having support to navigate these roadblocks can be really helpful.  I am currently available for 1on1 sessions. Feel free to reach out to  Schedule a 1on1 Discovery Call here.

 

Join Us Next Week!

Stay tuned for Week 4 of the Series - Unburdening our Exiles.

In this Post I will share a beginners introduction and exercise to the second part of the IFS Model, what Dick refers to as the Unburdening Process - Meeting, and healing our Exiles.

 

Warmth to your Parts.

See you there! 

Greg