IFS Internal Family Systems BEGINNERS GUIDE! Week 4/5 | The Healing Process Unburdening Exiles

Week 4 | The Healing Process - Unburdening Exiles

 

Welcome to Week 4!

In this weeks exploration we are going to continue to deepen our inward relationships through the practice of getting to know one of our Exiles.

 

A friendly reminder this blog is to be used as a beginners introduction to parts work.  You may have experience working with your parts already, in such case take only what can be of service.

I trust you have available an inner resource capable of supporting you through this exploration.

If ever there is a time the emotions feel too much, I encourage you to listen to your body, take a step back and return to the exploration when you feel more resourced.  I highly recommend having access to a trained professional anytime you choose to embark on inner parts work.

A list of IFS practitioners can be found here:

https://ifs-institute.com/practitioners

I am also open to work with aligned clients. You can find a link to work with me here. 

Depending on your location/country there may also free phone/chat line mental health resources accessible to anyone in need.  You can find a link to local Canada, Alberta, & BC Mental Health Support here.

 

 

Lets Begin!

 

As discussed;

The IFS Model can be best understood through its 2 main processes:

1. Meeting and Understanding our Protective Parts

2. Helping Unburden our Exiles

 

This week I am going to share an introduction to the second half of the IFS Process involved with meeting and Unburdening an Exile.

Unburdening is a form of Inner Child Work; that involves the process of revisiting our past difficult experiences including it’s emotions, hurts, wounds, and unmet needs with the presence of our adult selves to support our younger more vulnerable selves in re creating a new relationship to the painful experience.

As a result our system learns a new understanding of how the past happened, and is able to transform our relationship to the meaning of the event and how it influences our present.

 

 

IFS Stages of Unburdening Overview

 

Stage 1 - Gaining Protectors permission and Creating a SELF to Exile relationship

1. Gain Protector Permission

2. Establish trust and connection with Exile

 

Stage 2 - Witness the Exiles Story, Retrieve Exile from the past

3. Witness / Re experience / Do over

4. Retrieval

 

Stage 3 - Unburden the Old Belief, Invite in A New

4. Unburden through Ceremonial Ritual 
5. Invite A New 

 

Stage 4 - Re Integrate into the System

6. Re integrate Exiles into the System

7. Unburden Protectors

 

A Deeper Look into the Unburdening Process

 

Before we start it's important we honour the context of this work.

Creating a Container, A safe Inner Sanctuary.

 

Anytime we embark on Exile territory we want to respect the current structure of the internal system, it's important to ensure a trauma Informed approach to working with Exiles safely.

Protective parts have built themselves around working tirelessly for years, if not decades of our lives keeping these inner vulnerabilities at bay, and concealed from our consciousness and the outter world.

Prior to engaging with Exiles we want to ask a few respectful questions:

1. What is the external environment? Is there any real world threat, danger, risk for you to uncover and meet these parts?

2. What support, friend, partner, therapist do you have if overwhelming emotions arise during the process?

It is recommended to work with a trained professional, at least for the first few unburdening processes, This helps to get a better understanding of what might arise in the process.  In addition, the right support person can offer unconditional witnessing and Self Energy which deepens the healing process.

  

Stage 1 - Gaining Protectors permission and Creating a SELF to Exile relationship

1. Gain Protector Permission

The final step in Befriending our Protectors was to stand as a Hope Merchant that in meeting one of our Exiles there is potential for healing and lasting support for the system to occur. 

This buy in and trust from our Protectors is paramount to a safe exploration with our Exiles.

We do not proceed, until there is permission from our protective system that it trusts SELF Energy enough that no further risk/harm to the system will result in visiting the Exile.

If we do not have the buy in from our Protective parts.  We simply stay at the Befriending stage until they feel it is safe to proceed.

 

When the Protective Parts feel seen, heard, validated and understood, they will likely point towards the pain, or discomfort they fear and are trying to avoid.

This is the meeting of an Inner Child Exile - A part of us holding unfelt, unhealed, and unprocessed pain.

 

2. Establish trust and connection with Exile

When first coming in contact to an inner Exile, it's important we tread cautiously in remembering the context of this long lost part of ourselves.

Exiles long for connection though at the same time, they also deeply fear connection.  It was through connection they initially got wounded, and the majority of contact they have had since is from managers, and firefighters shaming them back to the unconscious.  This takes gradual trust building, and patience to feel safe with the presence of a new SELF Energy.

One way we can do this safely is through extending the offer/ invitation to connect, and let these wounded parts come out at their own pace, in there own way.

 

Connecting with our Inner Child.

To begin understanding our inner child and their memories, we must learn to listen and communicate in their language, which is often very simple, emotional, sometimes for a non-verbal or a pre-verbal infant part sensory and somatic-based.

We can start by first taking ourselves out of the critical thinking left brain associated with logic, and reason,  and into the right brain, associated with our emotional expression and creativity.

This offers us access to a deep emotional attunement, and connection to this younger part of ourselves.

 

 

Stage 2 - Witness the Exiles Story, Retrieve Exile from the past

3. Witness / Re experience / Do over

The witnessing Experience is a process where our younger Exile parts get to re experience the painful event with the support and compassion, of our adult self.

In doing so, the vulnerable part has the opportunity to be supported, and re parented in a way that it's unique needs can be met.

 

Once the exile feels a sufficient connection to the clients SELF, It will begin to bring forward experiences that it felt were traumatic. With enough safety, it tends to happen spontaneously.

 

Witnessing involves creating a space where your subconscious is allowed to take the lead. It involves the process of going inside ourselves, to allow our younger Exile parts true feelings, expressions, and experiences to be seen. 

 

This process unfolds by allowing the Exile to show SELF Energy the untold story. The experience that is went through, and the pain it is holding.

The memories that arise, may reflect a wide range of personal experiences. The times of the past where a younger part of ourselves felt overwhelmed, out of control, emotionally hurt, shamed, or made feel not enough.

It may involve experiences of being rejected, labeled as "not good enough" or "too much" by others, and as a result one's own self protective system cuts these parts off, disowns, and abandons them into the shadow.

Witnessing allows the unknown to be known. The locked up, hidden and unseen to be seen.

The pushed away, unaccepted and shamed to take up space. The Shadow parts of ourselves to awaken, to be heard, to be honoured.

You become a compassionate witness to your own history, of being seen in your unique pain.

It's through witnessing you get how hard and bad it was for this part.

 

Witnessing or Reparenting our inner child involves our adult selves offering the Exiled Inner child the care, and unmet core needs it craved but didn't receive.

This may include:

Providing a sense of safety and security.  

Giving unconditional love and acceptance.  

Listening to and validating its pain and emotions.  

Offering reassuring, supportive and comforting words.

 

Your present day SELF Energy is acting like the parental figure, the caregiver, the stable attachment figure

that the Exile was missing at the time of initial wounding.

 

Through the Witnessing process we can deepen the connection through staying curious in asking our inner child questions about it's experience.

Some of the Curiosity questions we can ask this younger part of us include:

 

What do you want to show me?

Let the part show what it wants to show (images, feelings, memories)..

 

What was it like?

Ask the part what it was like for it?

How did it make the exile feel? 

Let the pain be expressed, partially blending with the pain to feel it is ok.  Witness and deepen into the experience,  we really want to get to know how hard this was, what you’ve been through?

How long have you been holding on to this pain?

 

Validate, acknowledge, empathize with this younger part of yourself.  Our Exiles long to be seen, heard and loved through their difficult experiences.

 

What did you need?

Ask the inner child what it needed but never received (e.g., protection, love, safety, action?)

What would comfort back in this time felt like?

Can you as adult SELF Energy provide that now?

 

We can apologize for not being there for it in the way that in needed. (If it feels right).

Sometimes the part only needed someone to finally say, “That wasn’t your fault.”

 

There is always the opportunity to ask the question;

Is there more?

Sometimes Exiles need time, curiosity, and someone to really care, to be prompted to share the full experience. 
Having the whole experience witnessed helps the Exile feel complete to later be brought into the present.

 

In hearing the exiles story we validate the subjective experience not taking it as fact (as we can never truley know), but we acknowledge and honour it as a internal psychological truth.

  

We can extend appreciation and honour admiration for this parts strength, and resilience in enduring this experience..

 

What do you need from SELF moving forward? 

Will you as SELF be willing to offer this support/ protection in the future?

  

Do Over

Logic and reason would say;  We can’t change the past.  We can’t change what happened.

Which is true, the past happened.  But it turns out through trauma research we can change the RELATIONSHIP we have with our past through revisiting it in our imagination.  What we learn is we can change what impact the event had on us, AND THAT TURNS OUT TO BE EVERYTHING.

We can heal our relationship to this past experience through reinterpreting our understanding of the event from a place of mature, safe, conscious, and loving understanding. As a result our learned stress response, no longer sees this associative/learned memory as strong as a threat or danger.

The outcome is rather than getting triggered into outdated fear circuitry response learned from our childhood, we experience a more calm, grounded responsiveness to the present moment. This reprocessing reinforces adaptive Self Regulation, and is the power of deep trauma informed somatic healing work.

 

A Do Over involves the exile part revisiting the past and experiencing it in a new way. If requested, the clients SELF enters the scene and does or says whatever the exile needed them to do at the time they felt incapable.  This helps to rescript the memory, and provides the corrective experience.

 

The Witnessing Process through the lens of Science:

Past Memory + Working Memory Re consolidation / Re Interpretation

 

"The process of bringing self compassion and self acceptance to our self protective patterns, and our painful experiences is rewiring the implicit memory, and neural connections of our Lymbic system."

Susan McConell Somatic IFS

 

Deep Brain Retraining is allowing both our Exile and Adult Safety Awareness to exist simultaneously.

Going into the past with the Exile and Self Energy we are experiencing dual awareness, with one foot in the present and one in the past. You are integrating the pain, through showing the Nervous System it is now safe to feel that level of sensation/feeling/emotion.

Consciously controlled emotional exposure is increasing your Emotional CAPACITY to be with and in the whole human experience.  Breathing through difficult memories. Reminds your nervous system you are a new version of yourself with access to more inner resourcefulness to be with these difficult experiences.

 

Given sufficient witnessing, the past painful memory is able to feel acknowledged, validated, accepted, when needed forgiven, and updated into the present moment. 

 

4. Retrieval

At this stage when the Exiled Inner Child shares all that is has to share. We can ask it;

Are you ready to leave this scene in the past?

Ask the Exile if there is anything that you feel you need to do prior to leaving?

Ask if he/she is willing to come to a different place?

 

Let’s go to a safe space.  It doesn’t have to be to the present if it still feels too dangerous.  Go somewhere together, anywhere.

The cottage, camping, the beach is very popular.  It could also be into your heart space.

Retrieve the energy of the young one by inviting it into the present moment with you.

  

Stage 3 - Unburden the Old Belief, Invite in A New

4. Unburden - Ceremonial Ritual 

Unburdening is a transformative experience in which our younger exile now retrieved from the past can decide whether the burdens and self limiting beliefs taken on from the original trauma, are still serving it.

 

The exile is given autonomy in how it wants to let go of any burdens, sensations, chronic symptoms, extreme feeling states, toxic beliefs.

With long held stuck beliefs it can help the letting go, or releasing process to facilitate a Ceremonial Ritual which often involves a symbolic, and emotionally resonant act.

Since the dawn of humanity we have had rituals, which serve in solidifying emotional experiences for us.

Shamanic Practices use our connection to the natural world to support energy transfer and release. 

 

We can lean on these ancient practices to guide us in sending, releasing, and freeing these Burdens to nature.

 

Ask the Younger Exile, what story, energy, or burden it is ready to let go of?

What Element would you like to hand over this burden to?

 

Support the exile in extracting/removing the burdened belief / energy from the body and handing it over to the natural forces.

 

Common Natural Elements or energies to support the release Include:

Fire

Earth

Water

Air

Light

Spirit

Something powerfully transforming happens deep within. The ceremonial release with nature entrusts in us a new beginning.

 

 

 
5. Invite New 

The process of unburdening can lead to profound emotional relief and the spontaneous emergence of self-forgiveness and self-acceptance, as the individual no longer identifies with the negative beliefs they once held about themselves.

The result of Unburdening may feel like being freed, cleansed, cleared, a newfound lightness, opening, inner spaciousness.

We have room to invite in new more empowering qualities of SELF. These may include unique qualities or gifts that were displaced as a result of the original burden:

Wholeness, connection, love, acceptance, nourishment

And also could include qualities that support the client in being less vulnerable to being burdened in the future:

Self compassion, self acceptance, forgiveness, light, warmth

 

 

Stage 4 - Re Integrate into the System

6. Re integrate Exiles into the System

Now that the Inner Child Exile has been restored of it's original nature, we can invite other parts in to witness the changes.

It is not uncommon if parts are caught off guard, or surprised at the new experience.  It may take time for parts to get acquainted and the integration to fully take shape.  Parts are often relieved to see the new found changes, as it gives them permission to relax and put down there rigid protective roles.

Remember that we are dealing with an inner ecology, any change in one part of the system may ripple out to influence other parts of the inner family dynamic.   

 

7. Unburden Protectors

The unburdening and release process creates a new inner dynamic where the younger exile no longer carries it's core wound, and vulnerabilities of it's burdened beliefs.

This process relieves protectors from their over active responsibilities of keeping the inner child locked up.

 

Before proceeding to ask the protector if they would prefer choosing a new role, we check in with the Protector themselves to see if they have any burdens they are carrying and wish to release.

 

Protectors often rely on one dominate emotion, but IFS see's all parts having access to all emotions.

Protectors carry pain they are often hiding, guilt for the behaviours they have felt they needed to do. 

Rageful parts have been highly self-criticized, addictive parts shamed.

When we remember to thank the protectors for their pure intent, often times they just like the exiles have a story to share.  They want their efforts to be acknowledged, thanked and appreciated. They want to be heard before they will take on a new role.

Once our Protector parts feel their role and story has been understood, and appreciated, we can proceed to inviting them into a new support role.

 

Ask the Protectors to consider what they would prefer doing instead? 

What job feels more natural for you, without the need of containing and protecting?

 

It's often surprising to see Protective parts drawn towards roles that are opposite to their original duties.

An Overachieving part, may choose to be an advocate for rest and recovery.

 

In order for sustained integration and change it's recommended to check in briefly with these parts for a period of 3 weeks. This circling back maintains a healthy Self to Part relationship and allows for any further processing to be held in a safe space.

 

That takes us to the end of the Unburdening Process, and the second half of the IFS Process.  I invite you to take a moment to share gratitude, warmth, and appreciation for the parts that made themselves present throughout this exercise.

 

If you are curious to learn what is is possible in deepening your connection with protective parts and what they may be protecting.  I welcome and encourage you to Schedule a 1on1 Discovery Call.  We can hear from your parts and explore together in what they may be wanting support to offload.

 

Join Me Next Week!

For the final Week 5 of the Series - Living from Wholeness + Self Trust.

In this post I will share how we can begin to bring these new qualities with us into day to day life, work and intimate relationships.

See you soon! 

Greg